Here’s my experience with {secondary} infertility with an ending that’s happy, but does NOT include a baby.

Read that again.

What’s secondary infertility? It’s when you’ve had a successful pregnancy in the past and then later you cannot. I gave birth to my daughter in 2001 and my son in 2002.

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I remarried in 2014 and we were eager to have a baby together. Evan is an awesome stepdad and he felt like he was meant to be a father. One of the earliest memories of falling in love with him was watching him coach youth sports at the YMCA where we met. How people treat animals and kids is so high on my radar. He is such a natural and I’m a sucker for a caring person, weird right?

Fast forward to our first positive pregnancy test. We could hardly contain ourselves with the level of excitement we felt. Planning went into full effect! We announced it to our families in a fun way and captured it on video. Shortly after we found out via ultrasound it was twins! I’m guessing most people would freak out with that news, but we were elated. I immediately started a Pinterest page pinning every cute newborn twin outfit and nursery theme you could imagine. I ordered every pregnancy book and started daydreaming about the future! Our lives were about to change so dramatically. And they did, just not the way we planned.

I’m spending a little more time talking about the first loss because it was the most shocking to us. It’s what started this whole roller coaster, and it really knocked us on our asses. It’s the only pregnancy we ever felt that “ignorant bliss” of not realizing anything could go wrong. We had 7 more miscarriages after this.

The follow up ultrasound showed no heartbeats and I was in such disbelief. I walked in to the appointment with a smile from ear to ear, unable to contain my joy. I left so inconsolable that they had us exit out the back door of the doctor’s office. Evan and I could barely speak. I kept saying sorry like it was my fault and hoping it was just a really, really bad nightmare.

I had to tell my immediate family the news. Then I ended up having to make a list of all the people I had told so I could un-tell them. I didn’t realize how many friends I mentioned it to. It was just so exciting and all I could think about. I hadn’t had a conversation in weeks that didn’t revolve around my pregnancy.

What I learned with the first loss was not to tell more than a handful of people. Having to un-tell someone is actually really hard on the person you un-tell. Sounds weird, but it ended up being me comforting them, making sure they knew I was ok (even though I wasn’t) and it’s ok (even though it wasn’t) and then listening to them try to say the right things (which is really hard to do). The fewer people you tell, the fewer times you have to go through that ordeal.

I think I need to do a whole separate post about what to/what not to say to loved ones after miscarriage because people really do mean well. It’s such a sensitive topic that’s almost taboo and no one knows what the hell to do or say. It’s not their fault. Before this I would have said the same cringy things like “it wasn’t meant to be” or “at least you have other kids.” I do want to include that lots of people said amazing things so it’s not like everyone was off – that’s how I know what to/not to say now!

My first question for the doctor after having my first D&C was: when can we try again?

We followed doctor’s orders and were pregnant again in no time. And also in no time we got horrible news. This continued several more times, not all requiring a D&C. Some required a pill for at-home loss, some happened on their own, and one specifically was a nightmare in itself where I think Evan was really worried about my life.

The “nightmare one” was an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is when a pregnancy implants outside of the uterus. What made this ectopic pregnancy different from others is the fact that it attached to the scar I have from my previous C-sections. It is super rare for it to attach there. And not only rare, but also very dangerous.

My choices to treat this were a hysterectomy or to get an injection administered every 48 hours at the hospital that was supposed to dissolve the pregnancy. I obviously picked the latter!

That option involved me checking into the labor and delivery ward of the hospital (with full term pregnant ladies) every other day and getting a huge shot in my butt with a cancer drug while I was monitored for hours. I can’t remember how long I did this, maybe a week or so, but it was mentally miserable more than physical.

Give me a shot all day long, but answering the same questions every other day in the labor and delivery ward about why I’m there felt embarrassing. I was ashamed and sad my body wasn’t working. Meanwhile, all these ladies are walking around me rubbing their bellies. It made me want to scream. My paperwork each day said I was there to abort a baby in “hospital terminology,” when all I actually wanted was to save my baby so bad. It was just horrible mentally. Even worse, it was all for nothing because it didn’t work.

The only other option I was given was a hysterectomy. I did not want to remove all of my reproductive organs at 35 yrs old. Honestly, I just didn’t want to stop trying for a successful pregnancy – and that would have forced us to.

This wont surprise my friends or family, but my next step when hearing this devestating news about needing a hysterectomy when desperately wanting a future pregnancy was to research a solution myself and be my own freaking advocate because good Lord we all need to do this.

I ended up finding a procedure in China that had been performed many times successfully and it seemed fairly simple (haha hear me out, ok). The procedure involved the same cancer drug that was being used in the shot given to me before, but administered differently.

The difference is the drug is injected directly into the pregnancy sac through the abdomen using a guided ultrasound. When I initially requested this procedure the hospital doctors shot it down immediately. However, I did not want the alternative. My resistance to the hysterectomy and insistence on the unconventional Chinese procedure required more doctors to get involved. Evan and I sat in my hospital room with eight doctors discussing the logistics of the procedure while my heart was beating out of my chest the entire time because I felt like I was on an episode of House!

Long story longer haha… they agreed to do the procedure and it worked!

We waited quite a long time after that loss because we were scared. But we did try again.

We actually ended up doing IVF even though we were always able to get pregnant quickly on our own. We went this route because it’s possible to test the embryo before it’s implanted inside the uterus to try and avoid miscarriage. We got preganant this way too and also miscarried.

It probably goes without saying, but we got second opinions, tons of tests run for genetic issues, all kinds of bloodwork, sperm analysis and any other kind of invasive test on me you can google. We did it all, multiple times. Each time there was no explanation. Just that it’s harder after 35.

It was killing us because we are good parents, we were eating all the right foods and avoiding everything under the sun to boost fertility. I was taking every supplement recommended and literally changed my deodorant to make it safe for pregnancy.

Then I open Facebook and see “Florida Man leaves his one day old baby at 7-11 while he goes to the strip club.” And I’m like— whyyy?? Give me that baby!! Why are abusive and neglectful people who don’t want babies getting to keep their pregnancies, but I am not?

Then comes the jealousy. No one prepares you for that type of jealousy. It isn’t like coveting someone’s expensive car. And it’s not that you’re mad at expecting parents or you want THEIR baby like a crazy person. You constantly wonder why God won’t save your baby when He saved theirs for them. So I guess it’s not really a jealousy, it’s an anger towards God – which is hard to admit.

Speaking of God, I am a Christian. I was before all of this, and I am after. But holy hell did this test, damage, and put my relationship with God through the wringer. I wanted something so bad, and just like a father/daughter relationship, I was pissed off at my dad for not giving me what I so badly wanted more than anything else. All while I watched Him give it to others who I sometimes felt weren’t as deserving as me! It made me hate Him at times.

Other times I went overboard on the religious side of things begging Him like a child. I REALLY prayed hard. I’m talking about ordering holy oil off Amazon, reading books on prayers, on my knees crying type of begging. I know it sounds crazy and I’m not an overly religious person, but imagine if someone said you could save your child if you did xyz? Wouldn’t you do xyz? I was doing everything I could think of for my future child.

I’m not mad at God anymore, though. Somehow things turned a corner. My desire changed.

We stopped trying. It wasn’t anything official, we just stopped. And all of a sudden I would find myself feeling thankful for not having a baby when I was around people with young children. It’s so weird to say that, but it’s true. I went from seeing a lady pushing a stroller and thinking “I wish I had a baby” to thinking “thank you Lord that isn’t me right now.” It took years, but wow what a complete 180° turn!

I think we got tired, honestly. We stopped after 8 miscarriages losing 9 babies. That was our breaking point. We never had a specific time limit or cut-off. I just wanted to really feel like we did everything we could.

I started to really appreciate my current life with two almost adult children and increased travel and adventures. I began to pour all of my energy into my daughter’s college planning and my son’s extracurricular instead of obsessing over how to stop miscarrying.

The reality of starting over and raising another child after my first two are grown hit me. I stopped thinking of dreamy nursery themes on Pinterest. I started realistically looking around and felt incredibly thankful for all of the non-kid friendly activities we do at the drop of a hat. Then it started coming back to me how exhausting it was for so many years raising my children that I realized I don’t have it in me. The desire wasn’t there.

One response I used to give when people asked how long we were going to keep trying was “as long as the desire is in my heart.” So maybe God did answer my prayer by removing the desire so I could be at peace, because I really am. And I never ever ever thought I could say that.

Going through this helps me to look at any situation and remember that things change over time, just be patient and appreciate anything you can along the way.

While we were going through this storm for several years I kept thinking one day we will get our “rainbow” and then we will be happy. I never thought it was possible or even considered the scenario where the rainbow never comes, and I’m not only happy, but thankful.

I wanted to get all of this out of my head and on “paper” because it’s therapeutic to spill your guts. Why not a journal instead of the internet? My whole life is on the internet lol! I always keep everything light and entertaining, but I don’t want that to get misunderstood as a life without extreme lows to match those highs. This isn’t the first storm in life I’ve gone through and it won’t be the last. That’s why it’s so important to be kind to people because you never know what they are hiding behind their smile.


If you’ve gone through or are going through any painful experiences and wanna talk, reach out to me. I am a good listener and would love to hear from you.